I Hate Big Ass SUVs

Posted: September 30, 2010 in Culture, Enviromental Issues, In the News, Traffic & Travel
Tags: , , ,

"That thing could really tow the boat I don't have up the mountain I don't live near.”- Jon Stewart, The Daily Show on Comedy Central, June 16, 2010

In America you see them everywhere you go; big wheels, big grills, big everything. They are the Super Size Me of automobiles. And their drivers? They range from the scrawny, blinged out 20-something to a heavyset granny in the Walmart parking lot. So why is this country so obsessed with the Sports Utility Vehicle?

It’s all about the illusion of ‘Big Is Better.’

Sure, an SUV is handy on moving day, or for loading up boulders when the mood strikes, or perhaps making your inadequately-sized penis appear larger against the tasteful shimmer of your nudie girl mud flaps. However – small penises aside – how many average Americans really need this kind of size and power on a daily basis? Chances are that unless you find yourself moving once a month, live in the mountains or in snow 9 months outta the year, or transport DIY materials for a living, the answer is…


With the recent launch of Ford’s newest Explorer SUV (with a reported base price for the various V6 models ranging from US$28,995 to US$37,995) I was reminded of the large number of my fellow citizens who own one of these over indulgent monstrosities. It’s become the soccer mom mini-van of our generation. And the excuses for ownership are endless:

  1. I need the space for the kids and grocery shopping.
  2. I need the power in case it snows or I ever go off road.
  3. I bet you won’t object so much the next time you need help moving!

Note: If you need a tank to go grocery shopping, perhaps you’re buying too much food? How often do you actually drive in the snow and/or go off road anyway? Also, if you’re offering to spend $20,000+ on a vehicle to help me move someday, that’s really nice, but just $20 bucks will get me a U-Haul for the day.

Shockingly enough, along with the bogus excuses also comes the audacity to complain:

  1. My monthly truck payment is SO high!
  2. Why don’t they make bigger parking spots!
  3. It cost half my paycheque to fill the gas tank!

Note: Surprise! You chose an overpriced, over-sized, gas-guzzling monster truck! Oh, I’m sorry. You were expecting cheap and universally accommodating? Is it any wonder why we still haven’t moved away from a petroleum-based economy with this kind of backwards thinking?

The reality is if you own a SUV you probably live in the suburbs. You only really need transportation to get to and from work, the store, to run errands and the rare weekend excursion which does not in fact involve a multitude of steep, gravely hills. And even if you could afford it (and you know you can’t) it still doesn’t justify taking up two parking spaces and polluting the environment with a 2-ton exhaust machine.

So, still obsessed with the ‘Bigger Is Better’ attitude? Still need to make excuses so you can impress your friends or make up for your tiny penis? Try investing in professional therapy or maybe a life coach instead.

Contrary to popular belief, owning a bigger car (or any unnecessarily expensive accessory for that matter) does not make you a better person, just a more materialist one. Like most people fascinated by big wheels, big grills, and big everything, it’s all an illusion. Americans actually need far more important things in their garages of life than Stupid Utility Vehicles.

Buy a Smart Car instead and quit your complaining.


  1. mork says:

    i see no need for having a big over sized full size suv but i do see the need for the compact suvs.

  2. […] guy in an SUV tells me he can drive as fast as he wants because “he has more money than me.” We have […]

  3. Blake says:

    I don’t think they should be banned, as in general I’m for a free society; but there should be profound environmental taxes on all carbon-fueled vehicles that works relative to the amount of gas burned, which can (and I’m sure is to a degree) levied at the pump.

    Also, Natina, remember when we were in Canada… EXACTLY ten years ago… doing that article for IGN and the rental agency only had an SUV left? Tell me that wasn’t awesome. WE WERE MASTERS ABOVE ALL GOD’S CREATIONS!

    But yeah, I’d still go smart car.

    • natinanorton says:

      Fun is fun, especially when the rental can be written off as a business expense! 🙂 The “smart” thing to do, however, both financially and for the environment, is to pick a fuel efficient car that doesn’t pose a threat to everyone else on the road and doesn’t required a square mile bubble to operate.

      There should definitely be a tax on SUVs and even a special license requirement, but a total recall of – such as with dangerous toys or lead paint – would be my personal preference.


  4. Donna says:

    Thank you Tina ; )

  5. Donna says:

    Great articleTina but I have to admit as you know I do own a SUV and true I do have a small penis ; ) so maybe thats why??? Second I can’t really afford the gas but I couldn’t really afford the gas in my small toyota camry either? Apples??&Oranges I’m not so sure I’m thinking maybe I just don’t make that much $ and have kids I got to keep fed and have a reliable car to get us from point A-B rain,snow sleet,meteors asteroids….. you get the picture. So some it may be choice for others or it just may be thats the way it works. – : ) Donna

    • natinanorton says:

      To be fair, Donna, while I do know you own an SUV, I’ve also seen how much stuff and people you have to haul around on a regular basis. I think I can give you a pass. 🙂


  6. cala4lily says:

    Ahahaha… love Stupid Utility Vehicle, can’t believe I never heard that before! I agree 100%… I would like to add the fact that other drivers who chose not to drive a giant monster truck can not see a goddamn thing when one of them is near! Plus, the SVU driver always seems oblivious to their view blocking ability and every time you attempt to pull forward, or around, to see clearer before turning, inevitably the SVU moron will move forward to block your view as well. Why?! Can they not see OVER you with their giant vehicle? I think these obnoxious vehicles should be banned from humanity unless you can verify you really need a vehicle that will drive over any terrain in a daily basis. Driving down a straight 8-lane newly paved highway on your way to Walmart does not justify ownership of one of these monstrosities.

    Ah, obviously I hate them as much as you as I can rant endlessly in this comment. Thanks again for a great post!

    • natinanorton says:

      I absolutely agree. If you have no legitimate use for one, why should you be allowed to own it? Due to size and lack of visibility (coupled with poor, inexperienced drivers) they’re not only toxic to our environment, but a danger to everyone else on the road. I was nearly mowed down by one the other day because the rear window of the SUV was higher than the top of a compact car!

      Naturally there is always going to be a need for large transportation vehicles. The need for the average American, however, is not a 1,000 horsepower mini-semi. It’s just embarrassingly self indulgent.

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